"Make" Love Happen

I was in my local K-Mart (hey, at least it wasn't Wal-Mart) the other day, picking up some dildo batteries, a jar of Vaseline and a turkey baster, and I was confronted with this:

That's right. MAKE love happen. FORCE IT. Spend the next ten years manipulating that girl/guy you think you're in love with and maybe they'll change their mind and decide they love you, too! It always works on TV!

Also be sure to pick up some candy message hearts - now available by the pound! After all, it's not like they stop being good in six months. At their freshest, candy message hearts taste like stale, sugarless Smarties. Valentines Day is truly the worst of the Candy Holidays. I can't wait until April, when I can justify buying a solid peanut butter egg the size of my fist. You just can't do that any other time of the year without looking like a fatty fat fuck.