Blong

YO, SON!

You mean you ain’t heard about Blong™ yet? Shiiiit. You got bling on yo’ fingers, you got bling ‘round yo’ neck, but you ain’t got bling ‘round yo’ dick, do you? Not until now. Polymatic, Inc. presents Blong™, the only bling for yo’ dong!

Blong™ is 14 karat gold with diamond letters and an adjustable chain, to fit any size dong. It currently comes in several models:

• Balla
• Ballin’
• Big Boy
• Crunk
• Hangin’

This shit be affordable, too, yo! Only $49.95 each, three for the low price of $129.95, or all five for the crazy low price of $199.95. Buy yours today, son, because supplies be limited an’ shit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This may come off as being horribly racist. It’s not. It’s merely an absurdist deconstruction of how – as Lil Wayne here says – the rap industry is completely retarded. But that’s okay, because so is pretty much any cultural niche. The Industrial music scene is retarded, the Country Western scene is retarded, pop music is retarded. Don’t take it personally, just enjoy the bling-bling on yo’ ding-ding, G.

Additionally, I would be a complete asshole if I didn't credit C.B. for the initial concept for this. I spent probably three years trying to figure out how to portray this joke - which started out as a "you had to be there" kind of thing - without expecting people to stare a picture of a dick, and without having the explain the joke overtly.