I Currently Have Nothing to Share

Hello reader. Possibly readers. I'm not sure. I know for certain there is one person who definitely reads this blog, but in case there's more, I don't want to alienate them.

Anyway, I've been really busy lately, and my pool of saved up posts has dwindled. I guess I shouldn't have posted them so quickly, becuase now I have nothing I can quickly post in a pinch. Tomorrow and Firday are going to be weird again, because I won't be at my desk, so I'm working on all the images for the story I'll be writing and sharing tomorrow. As such, I really have nothing for today. As such, I will share some of by "B Material", some crappy t-shirt ideas I came up with years ago. Enjoy, I guess. Better things coming tomorrow.

Random Thoughts

If you're sending a letter to the post office, do you really need to include a stamp? It seems like it should be free of charge.

Given the incredibly tasteless fashion choices of young people for the past three or so generations, it really surprises me that it has never been in vogue to have your fly down all the time. I think it's an idea whose time has come, and I will be expectantly staring at the crotches of young people, waiting for the moment when I can say, "I fuckin' called that shit!"

Hell sounds like a pretty bad place, until you realize that heaven is pretty much like going to church forever and ever. By comparison, Hell sounds like a party.

Have you ever been driving in a light rain, and after awhile you realize that you're the only person using their windshield wipers? That always makes me feel like an asshole; like somehow using my wipers when nobody else has to makes me weak and foolish. I think it's possible that I have some unresolved self-esteem issues.

If variety is the spice of life, does that mean that, conversely, life is a variety of spices?

I think it would be cool to be like Kali, with ten arms. Then I could intentionally cruise through red lights, while at the same time giving the finger to other drivers in 45 degree increments.

I really don't understand doctors - pediatric or otherwise - that dress up as clowns in order to put their patients at ease. Does anybody actually like clowns, let alone find them funny? Most people I know either think they're creepy or idiotic. Is the last thing you want to see before you go under the knife really a fucking clown?!? I guess we have Patch Adams to thank for that. Fucking jerk.

Butterface - A woman that has a very desirable body but an unattractive face. "I like everything about that girl but her face."

Butterlegs - A person who has no legs. "That girl has everything but her legs."

Despite the fact that even National Geographic has a website devoted to them, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Narwals. They're just too much like an old time sea monster to be real. I choose to believe that marine biologists the world over are trolling us with an elaborate web of lies. I'm not even joking, a part of me will never accept that this is a real creature.

Rave Kid & Insultory Fractal

I spent a significant amount of time yesterday making this. I don't know why I made it, but after you've hit the two hour mark for making an animated gif, it's kind of hard to just stop. So I finished it. And because I don't know what else to do with it, I guess I'll share it here.

I'd also like to start a new trend of adding insults to recursive images such as fractals. I don't think anybody has done that before, and I think it's a pretty funny idea, so here's my first one:

"Make" Love Happen

I was in my local K-Mart (hey, at least it wasn't Wal-Mart) the other day, picking up some dildo batteries, a jar of Vaseline and a turkey baster, and I was confronted with this:

That's right. MAKE love happen. FORCE IT. Spend the next ten years manipulating that girl/guy you think you're in love with and maybe they'll change their mind and decide they love you, too! It always works on TV!

Also be sure to pick up some candy message hearts - now available by the pound! After all, it's not like they stop being good in six months. At their freshest, candy message hearts taste like stale, sugarless Smarties. Valentines Day is truly the worst of the Candy Holidays. I can't wait until April, when I can justify buying a solid peanut butter egg the size of my fist. You just can't do that any other time of the year without looking like a fatty fat fuck.

The Caveman's Balls - A Polymatic Book

Blong

YO, SON!

You mean you ain’t heard about Blong™ yet? Shiiiit. You got bling on yo’ fingers, you got bling ‘round yo’ neck, but you ain’t got bling ‘round yo’ dick, do you? Not until now. Polymatic, Inc. presents Blong™, the only bling for yo’ dong!

Blong™ is 14 karat gold with diamond letters and an adjustable chain, to fit any size dong. It currently comes in several models:

• Balla
• Ballin’
• Big Boy
• Crunk
• Hangin’

This shit be affordable, too, yo! Only $49.95 each, three for the low price of $129.95, or all five for the crazy low price of $199.95. Buy yours today, son, because supplies be limited an’ shit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This may come off as being horribly racist. It’s not. It’s merely an absurdist deconstruction of how – as Lil Wayne here says – the rap industry is completely retarded. But that’s okay, because so is pretty much any cultural niche. The Industrial music scene is retarded, the Country Western scene is retarded, pop music is retarded. Don’t take it personally, just enjoy the bling-bling on yo’ ding-ding, G.

Additionally, I would be a complete asshole if I didn't credit C.B. for the initial concept for this. I spent probably three years trying to figure out how to portray this joke - which started out as a "you had to be there" kind of thing - without expecting people to stare a picture of a dick, and without having the explain the joke overtly.

Accuweather is Run by a Bunch of Jerks

Okay, maybe I'm overreacting, here, but did you guys really have to rub it in like this? Yeah, ok, I get it, it's cold. There's almost an INCH OF FUCKING ICE on the way. I didn't need to see the iced-over graphics on your three day forecast. That's just taking it too far. You guys are just being dicks, lording it over us non-meterologists with your weathery hand of supposed-justice. Why don't you just replace the current ice graphics with pictures of ten car pileups and be done with it?

By the way, I didn't need to be told that today I could expect poor conditions for golfing, but I guess some people do need that explained to them, so I'm going to let it slide. Also, doesn't "RealFeel" sound like a feature on some kind of sex toy, rather than a weather thing? Maybe it's just me.